Letter To My Ex: Training

Picture this... You're in the middle of nowhere along the Karoo landscape.

An area specifically designed to break you mentally & physically. Weather patterns at extremes, when it's hot, you get seasoned before getting cooked from the morning. When it's cold, hypothermia is lowkey your bestie, even at 12 pm.

Participating in a training program so out of whack that your fatigue develops a premium version. Poorly prepared meals that stimulate hunger even though you were fed 25 minutes ago. All the while, your social interactions are limited to a random group of perfect strangers from different cultures, backgrounds, ages, and all that diverse stuff. All of you doing the same thing for 275 days, shut off from the general public.

Cute Xhosa

Focus now! I'm just another number in this base. I don't know anybody like that or what is expected from me, let alone where I should be. At some point after my arrival and somewhat familiarizing myself with this new environment, I get settled in for the night. I got my essentials, i.e., itchy prison blanket, rough toilet paper, and a surprisingly soft pillow. I get shown to where the sleeping quarters are, then head towards the building, and when I get inside, the room that I will be sharing with 4 other guys is presented.

'Daaamn thiiis crazy' I think to myself. I'm not judging, buuuh a hostel setup isn't built for someone like me. I head to the bathroom just to view the conditions. Bruuuh!!! What do you mean by no privacy? Is this what we're doing? Lining up shoulder to shoulder when we shower? At least I can take a dump by myself.

Human nature didn't waste precious time to be on full dispaly as a result of restriction of movement. Serial Daters and Sex Addicts couldn't help themselves. Maybe +30% of them before 30 days lapsed were in relationships. With scandals doing the rounds and a good supply of entanglements stemming from married individuals, it was a sinful mess!

I was a certified spectator from the gate; watching everyone move recklessly was amusing. I wanted no part in all that. My priority was to complete the program without any emotional attachments. This Loverboy was still healing from Oreo, so I wasn't feeling the idea of being vulnerable again. I wasn't eager for another heartbreak or being responsible for someone's daughters' well-being. I wanted to cruise through unnoticed.

On a scheduled Wednesday at about 11:45, we queue for lunch outside the dining area. In a few minutes, our group was let in to be served. I got my plate and approached this other Couger that was dishing up. Before putting food on my plate, she looks at me and smiles like a little girl and says, "You're so handsome my boy". That comment caught me off guard, Bruuuuuuuh! Outchea looking like my Dad in his prime, bald head with a clean shave ,LMAO!!! I was confused for a second. I smiled back awkwardly, replying with a nervous "thank you".

The guys I was with in the queue heard it and just made fun of me as expected, dumbasses. I was a little embarrassed buuuh I played it off with light laughter and made jokes of my own. As I walked away from the dishing station, Couger called me, "Come here, handsome boy" and gave me a bigger second portion of food in front of the guys who were laughing at me. In my mind, I'm thinking, 'They won't shut up about this later.' Sure enough, it became a topic in the sleeping quarters that night.

That was the end of that, well... So I thought. The next morning, I went through the same process of queuing until I got to the dishing station. Couger gives me hot chocolate, extra fruits, and some yoghurt for breakfast. Y'all don't understand how much I appreciated her gesture coz nobody else was getting these items unless you're Management or close to them.

This became the norm for me from that day. I knew for sure that these were the beginning stages of being coerced into something I'm yet to understand, buuuh we'll circle back to this later.

Considering the limited options available for recreational activities and the strict separation of the sexes. I was still mad at my Ex though. My era of "Women are not nice people" wasn't over, buuuh was diminishing slowly. It dawned on me that maybe a girlfriend would lighten this whole experience.

During business hours, I'd steal time to be with her when we queued for meals or when we attended classes. Otherwise, after hours, I'm gonna be moving in the shadows for my Ma'Baby. I convinced myself of all of this. I saw how other kids were playing, and I was experiencing some FoMo. I know... I'm a hypocrite. A little drama wouldn't hurt me.

So, there's been this other girl I've been eyeing in a not-so-creepy way. It was hard to keep tabs on her, I don't know her name, I don't know where she's from, I don't know her friends, I don't know where she attends classes... I know absolutely nothing about her, other than she's my crush. I felt myself getting obsessed with wanting to know more details about her so I could move accordingly by getting her attention and going deeper.

I started noticing her more often since I made the conscious decision that I wanted a girlfriend. I was not about to run after someone's daughter coz I spotted her far away. The day to strike presented itself after supper. I'm walking down the corridor, talking to Zadius. I look back for no reason and I see a little thang with a soft baby face, edges done with a silky bun and a hip swaying shy walk. I didn't know what I was gonna say buuh I was going to have to say something.

She has no idea who I am or that I exist. I slowed my pace and waited for her to get closer. She was walking with her friend, chatting about something I don't care about. I see her in my peripheral and I look back and say "YEY, YOU'RE MY CRUSH!" looking dead straight in her eyes and pointing my finger at her.

I'll never forget the look of utter shock and fear on her face. She even took a few steps back. I walked away like I didn't just traumatise her. I was about 10 metres away from them, walking in the opposite direction. I heard both of them laugh hysterically.

Not conventional buuuh the aggressive approach worked for me in that instance. I didn't look back until I knew for a fact that she was out of sight. You gotta play it cool ya know? Don't be too excited sometimes. I was so excited! My plan was to get noticed, and I succeeded. I made a conscious decision to be mindful of my past relationship trauma.

This time around, I'm gonna need to be calmer and not jump in head first like usual. I made it my mission to drag it as far as I could without erasing the curiosity and tension I had just created. The days that followed played out like this: I see her, I don't acknowledge her. We're in the Long-Game Ma'Baby buuh you don't know that.

All the while, Couger is keeping me fed with 5-star meals and doing me questionable favours. No lie, I felt like she was eating outta my hand buuuh the script wasn't going to remain like that for long. I learnt to be discrete with everything, I discovered the gravy train afterall. Knowing that I won't be able to hide and eat these meals by myself. I shared everything with the Bros, kinda buying their silence buuh they didn't care coz they knew I'd hook 'em up with the best from the kitchen while everyone else ate nonsense.

While regular people were having cold milk, Allbran flakes, and two slices of brown bread for breakfast.

Bros & I had bacon, eggs, relish, muesli, and yoghurt.

While regular people were having fish cakes and mashed potatoes for lunch.

Bros & I had chicken livers, grilled chicken quarter legs, steak, Greek salad, and pap.

While regular people were having bomb chicken with undercooked soggy rice.

Bros & I couldn't relate.

I had my squad on lock, and they made sure that nothing threatened the plug. Couger still hasn't proposed anything to me since the first interaction. I'm vibing with the fact that my face card isn't declining, buuuh the way she's been looking at me lately is suspect.

A couple of days pass, and I bump into Cute Xhosa. I greet and lead the conversation. I want her to get familiar and comfortable in my presence even if I scared her the first time. Ey Bruuuh! I'm butchering this Xhosa from all angles, tryna show her I'm a cultured man. She was amused by my effort to relate to her, giggle'n after every broken Xhosa word I spoke. I'm thinking, "Oh, it's gonna jiggle".

I cut the conversation short, leaving her with a lollipop to suck. I need to cleanse my mind coz I gave her a look after handing it to her. I enjoyed watching her walk away. There's just something overly seductive in the way she walks. Yeah she's got nyash buuuh that's not the point.

Weeks come and go, and I'm straight-up ignoring Cute Xhosa. I wanted her to grow fonder without love bombing her as I'm accustomed to. I'm committed to playing the long game Bruuuh. What is desperation? Please remind me.

This other day I got to Tjoppies, which was our convenience store in the base. I buy myself snacks and a PS chocolate bar written "Will you be my girlfriend?" coz I wanted to propose. I went all day tryna find Cute Xhosa, my mandate was clear.

Ma'Booi... I'm not finding this girl. This chocolate is now melting in my pocket. I can't return it to the store coz we're being motivated for attempting to go there, and even if I mangaged to, there isn't another one with the same message. I felt defeated and called it a day. Walking back to my sleeping quarters, I see Cute Xhosa in the distance.

She probably was returning from a jog or something. I walk in her direction, slowly and tactically. I acted surprised to see her when we met. I didn't say much. Handed the chocolate over and said "I will see you soon". Left her smiling by herself, I wonder if she noticed the message on the wrapper.

I never asked for her numbers on purpose. Sometimes you don't need to be so damn obvious, a little mystery makes things interesting. Right!? Lol... Now how was I gonna get a reply if there even was a reply. Four days later, I meet up with Cute Xhosa's friend, Sweet Zulu. She gives me a Lunchbar chocolate after saying, "She sent me". I ask, "Why did she send you?". She replied, "You make her very shy". I took it with a smile and ate it on my way to class on some, she should stay shy.

Days pass, and my mind is far from being occupied by Cute Xhosa. The Universe works in mysterious ways coz what do you mean? When I pull up to class, she's there. It's scorching hot and we're outside. I have my yellow water bottle filled with water to keep myself hydrated. I notice her from across the field, we lock eyes. Throughout the class, we've just been smiling stupidly at each other.

At one point, I placed my yellow bottle on the ground to attend to a demonstration. Once done, I head back to pick it up. I'm walking back in the direction I left it, right? I feel a sudden rush of WTF energy. My bottle disappeared. That didn't take 5min! Who the f*** took my bottle? I'm pissed and ready for a fight with anyone.

I scout to my left, I scout to my right, I'm in disbelief that a yellow 750ml bottle has vanished from the field. I looked around like a bird of prey, I probably looked like a lost toddler wanting their mother in a grocery store, tryna find who the culprit is. I look in Cute Xhosa's direction.

She's sipp'n from my bottle from the side of her mouth, making direct eye contact with me, posed like, ' What are you gonna do about it, Sir?' I laugh at myself coz I really was mad, and she saw me tripp'n. I walked towards her, knowing I needed to explain my absence. I get to her and stand perfectly close to her face coz its time to finesse.

Me: "There's no way for me to get my bottle back without talking to you."

Her: "Why are you ignoring me?"

Me: "I don't even have your number."

Her: "Whose fault is that?"

Me: "Probably mine."

Me: "I gave you a PS, and I'm still waiting for a response."

Her: "I did respond."

Me: "When? You've said nothing since."

Her: "Haybo! didn't my friend give you the Lunchbar?"

Me: "Yeah she did."

Her: "And?"

Me: "And what?"

Me: "OOOOOH!"

Me: "Obvious neh."

Her: "Yeeeaaah."

I played myself again. She laughed when it dawned on me that I've been her boyfriend for two weeks now and I didn't know.. I don't blame her. I was just being a boy, oblivious to everything. I still applied pressure. Finally, I took her number, and I certified the relationship. All good in the beginning, new love, infatuation and all. I'm learning Xhosa, she's learning Sotho.

I was concerned a little. I didn't want to bleed all over her. My previous relationship left me with an open emotional wound that I was still disinfecting so it could heal completely. I didn't want to mask it with a new dressing as a quick fix. Needless to say, I ended up doing precisely that. I tried not to make her suffer for the hurt I experienced from someone who was no longer in my life. My pain manifested horribly throughout this new relationship, though I kept trying to suppress it so I could be fair towards her.

I've taken responsibility for someone's daughter's wellbeing; all she has to do is maintain her cuteness. I was somewhat whole again. As much as women aren't nice people. I will never shy away from them, especially when they're cute, shy, and Xhosa. Pretty much excited to have my first Xhosa girlfriend, though my mjolo (dating) credentials speak volumes. I know when I'm him. I know when I'm loved and when I'm in love. I know when I'm being played and not valued or respected. I know when I'm giving more than I should and when reciprocation isn't in the chat . I know when the relationship is over before the expiry date.

The only new variable to this relationship is that she's Xhosa. I did not intend on ruining my first experience with preconceived notions of how Xhosa girls are according to public opinion... It's not looking good for Xhosa women, by the way, according to public opinion. I live in reality, Cute Xhosa has only been exhibiting green flags thus far.

I loved how soft-spoken she was, her warm laughter accompanied by that beautiful smile. I loved how extremely shy she was to do almost anything. I loved how family-oriented she was. I loved the way she walked, subtle hip sway'n with tiny steps as if she's counting every step she takes. I loved how reserved, put together, and modest she was. Her whole demeanour was purely feminine, and it invoked my musculine most pleasantly. All I wanted to do was to protect her.

Naaah... This was a woman! Top-tier Xhosa spec. Under my regime, we stole time during business hours to be together. After hours, she'd be so scared to leave her sleeping quarters to meet up with me even when I covered the distance so she didn't have to go too far. I've never had to convince and give a pep talk before to that extent.

I'm never that patient buuh for her, anything. My guilty pleasure was listening to her speak English. She spoke it with a native accent. The same way someone that is French, Spanish, or Italian would sound when they speak the English language with the rules of their language.

It sounded sexy to me. She'd turn me on with the way she'd pronounce certain words, my favourite was when she said "here". Sometimes, it sounded like hair, heir, or ear. She'd seldom spoke English, unless there was a Xhosa word I didn't understand. I'd reply to her in Sotho coz she could hear what I was saying. She never sounded like she had no intellect; she's a graduate, after all. She'd be strict sometimes, calling me out if I acted a damn fool.

I'll forever appreciate her nurturing nature. I asked if she was a mom, and she replied, "Yeah, I have a 4-year-old daughter". That made sense to me. I'm no stranger to single moms, especially when they're Yummy. My only ick was that, no matter how much of a great guy I could be towards her, I would never be her priority. I might not even be in second or third position.

Not forgetting that he's lurking in the shadows if her baby daddy is still alive. It wouldn't be her fault anyway, I'm just selfish. To me, as my girlfriend, she will be a priority and I'll reasure her anyday of her place in my life.

Most baby mamas won't admit this, should the baby daddy get his shiii together and treat them better than before. They would open their arms and legs for them, welcoming them back into their lives, and discard you like you were just a placeholder because they secretly want a family unit that feels more natural, with you being the unfamiliar factor.

It happened to me before, I'm not just saying this to bash baby mamas. It's just the reality for a big percentage of single mothers. There are exceptions, you'd be lucky to come across some. I was hurt and expected to understand that I didn't mean much.

From that day, I vowed to myself that I would never overplay my role in a baby mama's life, including that of the kid. I'm cautious of the kind of bond I build with the kid, it shouldn't be too deep to the point that I get attached to the kid coz I'm emotionally invested in their life. Should I break up with the baby mama, I would lose twice, not again Bruuuh.

I know where I stand before it's made clear to me. I also understand that mentally, I will not be on the same level as her because she's a parent; I'm not. There's bound to be major differences in opinions and unnecessary arguments. All things considered, I was all about Cute Xhosa. This was a relationship that I wanted to see through to the very end. It was the stuff of complexities coz she's from the Eastern Cape, I'm from Gauteng and prepared to relocate to the Western Cape for the next couple years of my life.

To Be Continued...

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