Letter To My Ex: No Oreo Lost

The passion was unmatched, genuine, and with purpose. Sadly, it died out.

The thought of you sends me on a nostalgic trip. Hesitation grips me tight as I try to take a new step in my redirection. I made you pivotal in my life which was a result of the perceived value I had of you. Damn! you meant so much to me.

I hate the term "honeymoon" because it is just a phase. I get it, everything is new! The affection comes naturally and you give it knowing you have plenty. We softened our minds in order to learn from each other, about each other.

Our body's sensitivity is heightened making a touch feel magical. Holding hands brought security. Hugs and kisses placed butterflies in us. The conversations are limitless, on and on we go because we have not said or asked it all, mesmerized by each other's voices. Imagining the possibilities of this newfound love. High from the excitement, I'm talking feelings-feeling-feelings.

The intention was clear, we are going to make this a meaningful experience. Ready to give it our all... uhh yeah! You had your own reservations, as did I. You expressed your deepest fears to me. I was brave enough to assure you that we can work through them. As a man, choosing me to be your partner meant that I will be there to support you in your weakest hour and more. I had my own fears, mainly being vulnerable and showing weakness. For a limited time, you added to the peace I already had within, you felt like home to me.

I was not shy about being some sort of pillar to you, confident in my capability. I knew how to bring about an environment that could allow you to put your guard down. It was at that moment, I took the decision to love you and continue learning to love you.

I established my role as your man, introducing you to principles we need to work on. I told you that I wanted our relationship to be stable and for it to make sense to us. Woah! You are one stubborn cutie, I know because I am too, just handsome. In no way was I prepared to follow you, I knew that if I fold there would be no respect and I made damn sure. There can only be one masculine energy!

I was not on a power trip, giving you something to submit to is in my being because my actions outclass my words. I showed you from my point of view what it meant to respect your partner, be considerate, the level of effort you need to give, compromise for each other, what commitment is, and keep communication open, honest and consistent. I do not date for vibes!

You realized soon enough that I was not trying to control you. My approach was not helpful, I know. You finally accepted me as your King, not without a challenge though. Calling me out on being harsh and unreasonable showed me that you cared about us.

I was turned off by things you felt were normal, things that did not seem like a big deal to you in a romantic relationship. I left room for disappointment when I realized that your emotional intelligence is lacking. I was caught up in my own world, unable to separate the way I felt about you from how you made me feel.

I decided to be patient with you, nobody is perfect! There were things that you desperately needed to unlearn. This realization made me question your taste in men and the caliber of men that you attract in your life. I felt like an exceptional man by just being! You were in your bag with me.

As secure and as wholesome as I am, I took it upon myself to help you grow into a better version of yourself. I became so invested in you that I believed I was your catalyst. My cup spilleth over into you, nourishing the parts of you that have been neglected. I forgive myself for viewing your lack of reciprocation as a challenge to convince you of my worth.

This was equally an opportunity for me to learn more about myself. You wanted a meaningful relationship right? LES'GEDDIT!

Ooh Poiii... things got shaky! We weren't exempt from having highs and lows like other couples. My thing is, I did not start this journey just to bail when things got hard and boring. It's a relationship, not a vibe! My sixth sense got triggered along the way, in exploring this love of ours. It was subtle, the way I felt you withdraw from "us" long before you admitted it to be true. I had many opportunities to leave you, earlier on and during the hardship but I took none of them because that would have been a simple thing to do. I did not want to be another one that gave up on you.

I confronted you about it out of concern but you played it cool, GOT ME LOOKING PARANOID!

I felt myself slip into an old version of myself, the toxic asshole that treats women like disposable objects. I said and did some hurtful things from a place of fear.

Now a n*gga mad because he played thyself asking questions like:

How could I care so much about you?

What makes you so special?

Why did I get attached?

Why am I so passionate about us?

Where did I get all this patience?

IT WAS MY LOVE!

In my denial about the reality of our relationship, I forced myself to keep pushing through the hardship. I made a promise that I will be there in your weakest hour and more. In my pursuit of encouraging your healing, I ended up cutting myself with your broken pieces. I never wanted you to feel like there is something wrong with you or any of this was your fault. I made a clear distinction between us and the problem whenever we had a disagreement.

I did not care how long this fight "for the better" would last. I was Captain Save Some Shiii fo'real. I outperformed my role, you witnessed my words come to life. I do not know why I wanted you to realize this about me but I am who I say I am. I mean what I say and I say what I mean.

I guess I just wanted you to have confidence in us. I put myself out there for us, partially blind to the fact that it was just me out there. I waited for your heart to express itself, for your soul to recognize me as home, for our beginning to begin. I waited and I waited until I realized, I got stood up by your love.

I think I scared you! Your past relationships were never this authentic. You could not fathom how a complete stranger could love you so sincerely. I made it hard for you to be complacent and kept provoking the version of you that was behind the wall you put up. My approach was not subtle in any way, maybe that made it appear as though I was in a hurry to move onto the next level of our commitment.

You said you cared about me, many times I heard you utter the words "I love you", and that you would do anything for me. I believed that... I believed that you felt that way, I just never experienced it for myself. You are not mature enough to value having someone like me in your life as a romantic partner.

I stayed, I stayed so I could understand why the flags were red. I still chose you when I found out. You are not a bad person, bad things just happened to you. I wish life was kinder to you before we met. I am sorry that you have convinced yourself that you are incapable of fully committing yourself to something real and meaningful. I am sorry that my love was not enough to help you heal from your trauma.

I questioned my idea of a romantic relationship, seeing as how I am not getting it right. Maybe my thinking is superficial compared to yours. I was open to trying something new, your way! Which I never believed in but I gave it a chance. I found myself relaxed, no longer being critical, just floating around. I was losing my sense of self with the less-than-wholesome approach you suggested.

Hold Up! WTF is going on... I knew what I was doing from the beginning, what I was working towards, and what I wanted. Why am I now confused? I had to wake up and remember who DaFuQ I Am. I know my value and what I deserve. I cannot believe that I was quarter-to settling for the bare minimum. Phew! Almost lost myself there.

I have found the courage, to be honest with myself and accept the reality of our relationship. We both gave it our best, I would like to believe. I accept that you were never ready for what could have been, if you wanted to you would have. Do not give up on yourself, healing from your trauma is possible. I want to know that you have won your internal battles. I wish I could stay to see it happen. You are worthy of love, one day you will allow yourself to be loved and I pray the love you find is organic. I do not think that I would have done anything differently, there was love before pain. My decision to love you added more value to my life.

If we never get to speak again, hope you look back on me fondly as someone who did not fear the future when they pictured you by their side. I want you but I am going to shut up, do my thing and let you do yours. The Universe must decide because I am tired.

Goodbye Ma'Dunk'n & Lick'n.

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