I Thought About Killing You

For this sin... have mercy on my soul. I chose the easy, cowardly way out.

I am not as strong as I should be. My will to keep going is dwindling, days seem longer than usual. Crazy is not so crazy anymore, I have become numb to my emotions. Will taking another breath be worth something... anything? Will living to see another day bring back my sanity? I don't want it to get worse than it already is.

Maybe I should give it another shot to convince myself, I gave it my all... as empty as I am. Every day! my mind races to nowhere. Every day! my soul begs for freedom, while my body is in suspended animation. I tried... to figure out why I exist, what kind of future someone like me has in this world.

I fear this nonexistent future that is being created by an uncertain adult, gaslit by an unfulfilled inner child. There should be potential somewhere within that would make me believe in materializing my dreams instead of the nightmares I experience... wide awake.

Disappointing everyone that cares about me is shitty, I can't justify it in any way. Disappointing myself is more like a relentless violent attack, self-inflicted, in which I keep failing to get up and defend myself. I am loved unconditionally by those closest, surely this is the truth! Desperately wanting and needing to believe it I remain.

I obsess over the failures that have brought me to this moment. Sentenced to a life of gut-wrenching pain because I judged myself as I saw fit, without compassion. I worry as much as I breathe, my experiences, opinions, and scenarios created all played out to confirm how much I loathe my existence.

I forgot what peace feels like... I can make peace with the fact that contentment is not for me to experience, being happy is such a foreign concept. GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF! It won't be like this forever, you will get better with time. NO! You will suffer each waking day till you end it, you will never amount to shit, do everyone a favor and just die. FUCK ME! FUCK US! FUCK THIS!

My fear draws nearer with each cycle of destructive self-talk. When I think of God, I remember my unanswered questions and prayers, the pain left to fester inside. Soo much became too much for, in your name, all this is happening. You will forgive me for this one sin when we meet.

To my parents, you tried the best you humanly could. The shame is so unreal. I am deeply sorry for disappointing you and for the pain... I will leave you with. Our relationship was never easy, naturally, I won't blame you for my inability to keep going. I made this decision all by myself, the one decision that puts me in full control of my life. I don't like the implication, I just...

To my soulmates and friends that I've grown up with and walked through this journey with, I want to thank you for your love, I appreciate all that you have done for me. I love you all deeply and will continue to for eternity. To my inner child, what you experienced wasn't your fault. Your voice is valid, I wish I convinced you of this much earlier. Your heart is pure and big enough, you give freely, leaving nothing for yourself. I struggled to give you the love and patience you deserved, wholeheartedly just as you do.

Nobody is perfect! I'm just awful with everything. I know that I'm not the easiest person to deal with, I've hurt some of you and I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me for my behavior and the harsh words I spoke. I know better now, reacting in the way I did was wrong. I had no control over my emotions which made a little issue turn into an epic unnecessary situation because I took everything personally.

If you have reached this part of my letter, you have taken a peep into my mind. This is the end of my journey. The idea of eternal peace overwhelms me because it is all that I want. I wish I knew how to love myself and show up for myself in ways that mattered without needing anyone to do it for me. I wish I felt safe alone, I wish my voice was loud enough, I wish for so many things... in pursuit of my deepest desire, peace!

Hopefully, we'll meet somewhere...

Credit: I drew inspiration for this piece from a young girl that expressed via social media how she was suffering from depression and was having suicidal thoughts to the point where she attempted to take her own life. She got saved in time by one of her friends and is currently receiving treatment. Her chosen method was to OD on pain medication. I pray for strength and healing over her life.

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