Letter To My Ex: Happy You Came

Our paths crossed, we clicked...

I'm sorry, I can't assist with that.

Even if it only lasted for a little while.

I came from a toxic mess of a relationship that I dedicated a big piece of my life to. I carried with me the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced, mainly due to it being my first. So much of what I was going through was new! Drug users go through withdrawals if they don't get their usual fix of that good shiii... I felt like a druggie. I was under a heavy influence. That drug called love will F*** you up Ma'Poii.

I depended on my partner to the point where I had no identity outside of our relationship. I did not feel complete, I desperately wanted to fill the void with something, ANYTHING! I needed to feel again, fearful AF though buuh life had to carry on. Time to re-establish myself as a newly single man, set new rules and principles that would guide me towards a version of myself that I knew existed buuh got lost through the journey of discovering romantic love.

Never have I ever taken such a long time, A FULL YEAR! just to get over a breakup, I was down bad and boujee, the ghetto Bruuuuuuuuh! When I eventually got my shiii together I vowed to never let myself become overly consumed by my love for someone else to a point where I no longer recognize who I am.

As I was preparing myself, to be about this resolution... BOOOM! A big-cheeked, Bastet royal eye shaped and big like those Bratz dolls, double-chinned, thick lips, fantastic boobs, cute nyash with small ears that couldn't even hold up her spectacles just pops up in my life unexpectedly in the most adorable way possible. Our first interaction was fun for me, I gave you a compliment followed by an insult. My thing is, If I can't make fun of you then I don't really like you like that.

It worked! you vibed with it by engaging further to the point whereby we exchanged numbers. A couple days later, after texting and getting familiar, you called me in the evening buuh you hung up before I could pick up. Talking that "Oh sorry I dialed you by mistake" lies lies lies... Pssshh Right!? Clearly, you were checking up on the Splaaaaaaah! Then me being every guy ever, slow to notice the hints you were dropping to get me to a point where I make a key move.

I was hesitant about my next move, mainly because I wanted to choose the right character for this mission. I didn't want to play as "broken boy" for this season of mjolo buuh also I didn't want to fake it just to pull you. I was trying to bury the old me with all that experienced pain and limiting beliefs though it was the most familiar version. As unprepared as I was for something new, you being an odd quirky choice intrigued me.

The first date we went on wasn't even something I planned thoroughly buuh I notified you prior that I'll be making my way to London Pitori. Only on the day of the event, I asked you to accompany me and you were game for the unknown. I picked you up near McDeez in the CBD and we made our way to Wonder Park. We arrived just in time for Focalistic's performance. Posted up by my acquaintance's bar, we could watch the whole show away from the moshpit. It was breezy Sunday evening vibes, the weather switched up from cool to chilly.

I noticed your little body shivering and I pulled up a fluffy black knee-long jacket for you to wear. You looked like a baddie dressed in your slim knee-high black boots, skinny black denim, thick black wool jersey, thick black jacket, and sipping on red wine in a huge fancy flute. Without even trying you had haters for the night because why were you looking like you think you were better than them? Hahaha! Lowkey, I was proud to call you mine, you just looked soo FYYYYYYYYN!

Vibing into the late night we ended up in each other's personal space. Slow moves to beat, your hands around my waist, me pulling you closer to my chest with my arm around your shoulder slightly choking your neck. I give you a kiss on your forehead, you look up at me, I look down into your beautiful eyes, and we share an intimate stare. My big nose vs your tiny one, we're breathing the same air as they near, lips extended and touch for the first time... MAGIC!!!

So it began, a new romantic relationship. In that intimate moment, sensually experiencing you, I felt liberated. I forgot how anxious I've been in the past few months, now in a free-flow state. I realized that damn! I'm making progress. I stepped outta my own head for the first time in a long time.

The highlight of the night, well... for me! Was when I drove you home. Parked in front of your gate at around 1 am, we didn't even spend two minutes chatting before we started tongue-fighting. The second attempt or confirmation that "we kiss now" was hot & heavy. Ya' know once there are deep breathes it's really on! Next thing you're on top of me, I drop the seat, and Tiddies come out WOOOOOOAAAAAAH! Went home with a proud smile on my face. In my happy era.

Girl you grew on me very quick in a hurry, everything you did was adorable, kinda stupid and clumbsy at the same time. I was always excited to be in your presence. At first, I questioned whether or not I was making you my escape from the reality of what was happening within me. I wasn't at peace with myself, when I was alone I felt lonely and miserable. I remember on one of our car dates in particular, we sure had a lot those before I sold the Beamer. I think we were roughly a month into our relationship. Your lunch break was ending soon and you had to head back to the office.

You stepped outta the passenger seat, I hopped out too and stared at you over the roof. With the way you were looking back at me, I knew you wanted to say something special. You had that shy 5-year-old look in your eyes. I said it first... "I love you!". Your eyes smiled, your nose did a little dance and your cheeks got bigger than usual... "I love you too!" you whispered. Happy looks good on you. Later on in the evening you texted talking about how you wanted to be the one to say it first. I sensed it when you looked back at me after you stepped out buuh I knew how shy you can get, I made it awkward for a moment by keeping quiet and giving you that "well?" look. Hehehe!

We blossomed from that point, I learned to love again with a fresh perspective on companionship. Shedding the old me took a while, my self-esteem took some serious damage from my past. Eventually, I was brave enough to present to you my purest form, a Certified Lover Boy! You gave me no reason to shy away from who I really was. I felt safe in your presence, and let my guard down, became vulnerable again. I have never met someone with such a care-free spirit, so pure and child-like.

Your view of reality made me question my own sanity. Before we met, I was the kind of person that took everything personally. At some point, I genuinely thought you were clinically crazy. You did not let life overwhelm you. Granted we all have problems buuh yours weren't like everybody else's because of how you dealt with them and I wouldn't say that you were ignorant, you were very much aware of where you are and what is happening around and to you. Power Girl! I really wanna know your ways. Many of us throw caution to the wind buuh you embody the wind.

I wanted that for myself! Living in my own head was doing more harm to my being than I cared to admit. I battled with just being in the moment. In your presence, it felt effortless. As soon as your absence was evident I would revert. I would often think to myself (is she doing this on purpose) like I usually overanalyze; You were super soft with me, you saw through the tough exterior that was just a facade. Wounded on the inside, walking around with a clenched fist, ready to defend myself against everything and everyone. NEVER AGAIN! I will not allow any opportunity for my demise. You came with an overwhelmingly calm spirit that hushed the negative talk I kept on loop. I slowly began to relax my hands, and opened them up to receive you and the abundance of the Universe

I evolved as a person with you as the necessary catalyst, not sure if you were aware of that. To this day! Gratitude is what I have for you "happening" to me. I wouldn't be happy without you. I adopted many of your new-age philosophies in such a short space of time. Everything you were that was skin deep, was waaay better than anything that I was. I don't think you can comprehend just how much of a "light at the end" you were for me. Yah Haaa! Yaah Haaa!

You remain the most playful partner I have ever had. The amount of fun you brought witchu is unmatched. For one, I have never exchanged porn videos and discussed the contents of each in such an open manner, like... it wasn't weird or off putting. I was somewhat conservative before we met buuh a month later with your influence I was throwing around explicit sexual inuedos and terms like Oprah handing out gifts, nobody was safe. Novelty is nice! being intimate with someone that is sex positive does something amazing to one's psyche. My emotional connection with you was pure and an amazing experience in contrast to the previous trauma bond that I developed.

I questioned our compatibility, we didn't think in uniform which was beautiful because it always made interactions interesting. Our romantic language was similar, the way we approached disagreements needed tweaking. Expectations weren't clear from the gate buuh somehow we were flowing pleasantly as one. I cherished what we created for ourselves... and then, you wanted to move to Cape Town.

I then realised how much of our relationship I had romanticised, I could not see further than your intention to start a new life for yourself. I was crushed! Mentally and emotionally it meant that I needed to prepare myself for a life without you. AFTER ALL THAT!!! did I overhype my breakthrough? Was any of this progress real? Did I clown around and believe in a vibe?

No! this can't end... I'm not ready to let you go. Nothing lasts forever, granted! buuh why can't I just have my cake and eat it? I did not want to be "that partner" that gave you an unfair ultimatum, either me or new you in a new place. That would have been a dickish move also I wasn't prepared to love you from a distance. I can't, I don't believe in long distance relationships, F*** everyone and how they manage to make it work I'm me! I need you here, right here never over there. Close proximity makes more sense to me, intimately speaking. I have no capacity to sustain something I don't want.

Crazy how things can change! We went from being something like a wild fire to a dying single flame. You could've been oblivious to it, how the energy between us started fading. That is how I felt about our reality, considering how you move, probably thought we were still good; beautiful buuh dangerous from my perspective. I had almost 2 months to make peace with you leaving me behind, the end of our chapter. I was proud of the fact that you wanted that for yourself and happy you went out to make it your reality, brave of you! Whole time... I hid how hurt I was, truly having had fallen in love with you buuh I let myself become consumed with uncertainty. The fear of losing what I had, lost in my paranoia, wanting the assurance that our time together meant as much to me as it did to you.

I forced myself to fall out of love with you as a way to make it less impactful, when the time came to say goodbye buuh it didn't help. I just became an asshole! justifying my actions with nonsense, using you as an excuse for the way I treated you. Honestly! I wanted to protect myself. Carried myself like a bachelor, hitting up and baiting other girls behind your back just to emphasis or to convince myself how much of a drop in the ocean you actually were. I thought I wouldn't care how you would feel when you found out because I wasn't even trying to hide it from you. When you found out, I realized just how much I cared... how you expressed your pain, that did something to me.

I didn't anticipate feeling guilty for my transgressions because you were the one that was going to leave me. Your last memory of me was going to be an awful one and I cared enough to try and change it, to make it up to you in some way that would work in my favour buuh you broke up with me anyway. I mean... it is what I wanted buuh damn! it didn't have to happen like this. Now I'm the villain in our story, that's F***d up! The kind of person I become when I am uncertain is just... I like me better when I'm sure.

I am Happy that we met, you changed my life in ways I could never imagine. I did you wrong in the worst way. You did not deserve the hurt I served you. I value your forgiveness and it brings peace to my conscious knowing that the air between us is pure. What an awesome soul you are!

PS: When I get a French Bulldog I am going to name it after you. I'm gonna call it "Happy's Boobs". Get it a cool name tag with gold plated boobs that look like yours.

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