Diary Entry: 07/09/2022

I woke up at 08h58...

Ooh Shii Again! Uhm... I mean good morning Bro, time to fix up your bed, brush your teeth and clean up the crib. My alarm is set for 06h10 each day, my immediate reaction is to hit the snooze button... Frequently! I knoooow, I know, I know... I lack discipline, it seems like I'm actually getting worse with each passing day. I want to stay in bed for longer even though my body is alert, forcefully I plunge myself into another sleep cycle.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING AWAKE!!! What for if not just to be conscious, sorta kinda.

I have little to no drive to do anything anyway. Setting myself up with simple actionable tasks that I can complete to feel a sense of accomplishment. Reluctantly getting it done buuh procrastination is rife. No fulfillment in sight with these daily start-up tasks buuh they gotta be done... Right!?

In a way, it's a matter of having control over what I can do. I mean, either that or lose my sanity over nothing tangible. The bigger me wants more outta daily life, Damn! What sucks is that I barely dress up and show up anymore, where am I going and what am I going to do? Who am I going to entertain? Who is going to entertain me? Waking up just to feel like my existence doesn't matter, feeling useless, especially towards myself.

I'm unable to do the things that could possibly make me feel alive buuh confined to this space of complete nothingness [deep sigh]... Where do I even begin? I need a way out! Each day I gotta confront my disgust, YOU SUCK BRUUUH!!! I'm in a loop, I'm not aligned, and that awareness is painful, all I want is what's rightfully mine. I need to be somewhere, doing something with some people, living out life instead of watching it happen, right in front of me.

I constantly interrogate the part of me that be on that "you don't deserve" the life you imagine. I have seen this manifest many times. A clear representation of this would be that I would intentionally take the first step toward a goal that has the potential to put me in a different phase of my life. It would go exceptionally well in the beginning for the whole week. I would feel aligned with the Universe and somehow the next steps aren't stepping. I noticed how guilty I am of self-sabotaging my progress, it took a while... I want to know why, WHY I DO THIS TO MYSELF! Why is it soo easy to romanticize and anticipate my inevitable success buuh FuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuQ!!! Sustaining the momentum isn't.

I am nowhere near my preferred position in life buuh I am extremely grateful for how far I've come from where I was. The fatigue is maniacal... Participating in your own life, trying your level best to ignore your fear of failure and success at the same time, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? My goals are realistic enough to materialize, I'm not about wishful thinking. I think it is my lack of commitment that I need to address, discipline is wack too. I accept that I have a toxic relationship with procrastination. I catch myself sometimes, slowly picking up on what my triggers are.

In my mind "LeesGeeDiit Bro We Can Do This" and I'm deep in the zone, 30 minutes later I found something meaningless to distract myself with. Only to arrest the situation 15 minutes later on some "You Gotta Be Shiii'n Bro" with absolutely nothing to show for it. Disappointed huh? Yeah well, you did it to yourself. It happens every day and it doesn't look like I'm getting better at it, though recognizing it when it happens is the progress I've made soo FuQ you dude. The days when I overcome the urge to procrastinate and I actually sit my ass down to complete a task, I celebrate BaaayBeee! Issa Big Ting Aaay! Lol... often shortlived, momentum is the next undesirable obstacle.

When I can't sustain the momentum I've built in pursuit of realizing my goal, helplessness is an all too familiar emotion. Then it ends up distorting my outlook on life and I start questioning if my desires are worthy enough to be experienced physically. I am grateful that I have the patience and the wisdom to align myself with necessary things and that I actively seek knowledge to help me move in the right direction.

I cannot continue to let myself be at the mercy of my own inadequacy, can't let life just happen to me! On auto-pilot is not the mode I should be on for the level of success that I harbor. I WILL NOT GIVE IN! "Thank you for checking in with me, you almost became a stranger Bro. You need to know that I love you and honestly dude you need to talk to me every day, there's too much shiii going on in your head"

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